breathing

I realized today that I felt oxygen deprived. When was the last time I’ve taken a real breath, a full bodied intake with no burden on my soul or lungs, the kind small children take every day when they run outside after a long day at school. The kind of breath grown adults only start to taste after three days of vacation or an hour long yoga class. I think this is a year of rapid shallow breathing for me. Necessity tells me to make a place to lay down the burdens and cares which make breathing difficult. To make a routine of calm in the midst of chaos.

conclusions

One of the hardest things about ministry is there is no quantifiable way to measure “success” or failure. Well there’s the obvious personal failure aspect, as a moral failing. But in terms of those you’re serving. We have scripture which talks about how a leader in the church ought to lead, instruct his household, and live their life. But nothing which says: here’s what a job well done looks like. Because, how can you when you’re leading a group of people still living out their lives, full of victories and failures. I think about Christ whose very followers, disciples, failed him in those last hours. One who denied even knowing him, let alone defend the cause. Another who betrayed him for money. All who slept instead of praying. Yet, Christ stayed on course with the call God had on His life. If we were to measure the success of that call based upon the stance of His followers in that moment, we would be tempted to call Him a failure.
I find myself so ready to fall into a heap of rubbish in moments like that. To give up, call myself a failure and say what’s the use? In that moment, I’ve lost sight of my call. I’ve taken my eyes off the Creator and focused on the crowd. If Moses had done what I’m so tempted to do, he would never even have glimpsed the promised land. The measure of a leader’s worth is not based on the by product of their efforts, but their obediance to Christ. Always.

its easier to find contentment if you’re looking for it

I’m sitting outside ez lube, happily drinking a tall nonfat latte. I’m happy that the weather has cooled down. I’m excited for an extra full day with John, free days are rare these days. A day that is even spent in errands, car fixing and paying bills.

this was me two years ago, almost to the day.

I feel so confused
About when I will see you again
I feel the miss deep within
But will things again turn sour
As I wait for the darkening hour
Or will you ask me to be yours
And will we live and live strong
These questions tick slowly by
And the summer lengthens it’s sigh
I wait for you
Return home
And tell me what is to become
Of our love.

warmth of my bed, makes mornings hard

How can young people keep their way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; do not let me stray from your commandments. I treasure your word in my heart, so that I may not sin against you.

I really really need to get back to the gym. Like really. Before the Holidays come and any remaining self control I have takes a trip.

Obsessed with Damien Rice lately, he soothes me.

The reason its so hard to get up every morning is that we spend every evening with Fable II.

Need to.

The words that are inside often ask to be let out. The thoughts that have mustered up the courage to become paragraphs and speech transitions. Usually I ignore them.

Only when they’re raging with emotion do I usually let them crack the door, and leak onto the easiest to reach social networking site, where I indiscreetly hope the vague references will reach and pierce their intended victims. Sickening really.

Tonight, as I came up with spare time, and aimlessly googled so cal photographers, I realized I’m doing myself a huge disfavor. My words are meant to be typed or written, jotted down with horrible penmanship and grammar. Journals tell my past, my history, a story of mistakes and heartache and a few joys and triumphs here and there. The future is unknown. But I will know it even less if I do not know my past.

So on nights like tonight, where I’m not intrigued by the whirlwind of the internet and I can’t play fable II because my husband is, I should take advantage of my words.

It’s not a promise. It’s a try. Because of a need to.

We’ll see how this goes.

so it begins again….

first it was livejournal. then xanga. then blog. then myspace. then blog again.

and then blog screwed me over when I changed email address’ – or maybe I just wasn’t clever enough to figure out how to change it. Let’s scratch that from the record, not a good option.

 

Irregardless, I’m now here. Fresh starting all over again. Creating a new niche in the internet world to spread my words. I’ll try this again.

I started out wanting to write about you. And how I saw a way that I take you for granted last night. As we were sitting, laughing, watching our favorite television show (well one of the two that we watch). As you held me so gently, and then as I listened to you talk to your mom on the phone. The realization began to ceep in. The realization of what a great man you are.

Not great in the way that you use others to get to the top. That you leave behind people to reach a certain goal. That you have no consideration of other’s feelings. But rather great in the way that you are the most gentle person I know. Considerate of me to a fault maybe.

Thank you. Thank you for never letting me wonder if you love me. If you will protect me and care for me. Even through all the hard times, I always knew/know that you love me. In the sacrifices you make, in the way treat me, and well, because you tell me every day.

Not every man is like you.

Where is my hope?

Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the LORD.

Psalm 31:24

The caption of this Psalm according to Biblegatway.com is “A Psalm of Complaint and of Praise.”. I found that to be interesting. I thought about it for about two seconds as I sat in bed this morning, and then finished my reading (btw, I love reading the word online. I like turning the pages, but I also like reading it from the screen. I guess that makes me part of the generation that has a short attention span for things not electronic. don’t tell my husband, he’d be so dissapointed.)

then a few hours later, i thought about it in a different way. As I’m writing out a check, paying for something we have to pay for, with money we don’t have. And frustration and a kind of angst rose up in me. Then I read about a good friend and a simple thought they had about Starbucks, and I realized that it’s been a few months since I’ve been able to go into Starbucks and order something because I felt like it, not on a preplanned and budgeted visit.

life has changed. for the better! the financial crisis we find ourselves in is not because of bad choices made, but the price to be paid to find healing and normalcy. The responsiblities of being an adult. of being married. of living on our own.

even yesterday I was thinking of the simple things I am so grateful for, food, a roof over my head, the love of friends and family, and so content.

this is a season, and in this season, my psalm would go something like this:

God, You are so faithful,

since I was a child,

You have guided my steps,

heard my cries,

those spoken and unspoken.

Time and time again,

I’ve known Your faithfulness,

even in moments of desperation,

Your mercy and grace have offered provision.

I yearn for the simple pleasures of old,

days when each penny was not counted,

movies, lunches out and trips for coffee on breaks,

I know You have not forgotten.

This path of change,

leading toward growth and healing,

is not easy,

but is not desperate.

I see Your hand in everything,

and I wait for days of plenty,

where I can shop where I please,

but until that time,

I will be faithful as well.

A faithful steward of the gifts You have given,

a faithful steward of the relationships I am blessed with,

a faithful steward of the joy that must be earned.

Love

Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love. God’s love was revealed among us in this way: God sent his only Son into the world so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.

-1 John 4:7-12 (NRSV)

agape

Definition

brotherly love, affection, good will, love, benevolence love feasts

The love I am to have for my husband is multidimensional. It’s not just the feelings I have for him. It’s not just the butterflies he gives me. It’s not just because we’ve been together for more than five years. It’s not just what he does for me. It’s not even just the vows we made to each other of commitment and dedication.

It’s also the living out of God’s love in me. It’s the opportunity given to me to live sacrificially. To love with everything I am, no matter what the cost. Through my love for him, I know God more, I become more like Him.  As I love as love is meant to be, I discover even more how God intended for me to live.

It’s also the witness of God’s love to others. The witness of God’s love to my husband. As I am able to flesh out sacrificial love to him, he is able to see in a broken vessel, a glimpse of God’s love for him. That love, the love of God worked out through the Holy Spirit in me, helps transform him even more into the likeness of Christ.

It’s the witness of God’s love to people who witness our relationship. Our love for one another is an example, not a perfect example, but an example of how God created man and woman to serve one another, compliment and work together. In a broken society where love and marriage are viewed as unnecessary and temporary, our love is meant to be a shining light of a holy covenant.

God, teach me how to love. May I always come back to your example. 

• My friends, if anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit should restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness. Take care that you yourselves are not tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. For if those who are nothing think they are something, they deceive themselves. All must test their own work; then that work, rather than their neighbor’s work, will become a cause for pride. For all must carry their own loads. Those who are taught the word must share in all good things with their teacher. Do not be deceived; God is not mocked, for you reap whatever you sow. If you sow to your own flesh, you will reap corruption from the flesh; but if you sow to the Spirit, you will reap eternal life from the Spirit. So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up. So then, whenever we have an opportunity, let us work for the good of all, and especially for those of the family of faith.-Galatians 6:1-10 (NRSV)