breathing

I realized today that I felt oxygen deprived. When was the last time I’ve taken a real breath, a full bodied intake with no burden on my soul or lungs, the kind small children take every day when they run outside after a long day at school. The kind of breath grown adults only start to taste after three days of vacation or an hour long yoga class. I think this is a year of rapid shallow breathing for me. Necessity tells me to make a place to lay down the burdens and cares which make breathing difficult. To make a routine of calm in the midst of chaos.

conclusions

One of the hardest things about ministry is there is no quantifiable way to measure “success” or failure. Well there’s the obvious personal failure aspect, as a moral failing. But in terms of those you’re serving. We have scripture which talks about how a leader in the church ought to lead, instruct his household, and live their life. But nothing which says: here’s what a job well done looks like. Because, how can you when you’re leading a group of people still living out their lives, full of victories and failures. I think about Christ whose very followers, disciples, failed him in those last hours. One who denied even knowing him, let alone defend the cause. Another who betrayed him for money. All who slept instead of praying. Yet, Christ stayed on course with the call God had on His life. If we were to measure the success of that call based upon the stance of His followers in that moment, we would be tempted to call Him a failure.
I find myself so ready to fall into a heap of rubbish in moments like that. To give up, call myself a failure and say what’s the use? In that moment, I’ve lost sight of my call. I’ve taken my eyes off the Creator and focused on the crowd. If Moses had done what I’m so tempted to do, he would never even have glimpsed the promised land. The measure of a leader’s worth is not based on the by product of their efforts, but their obediance to Christ. Always.

live this life

Lost
Alone
Aware and confused
 
The path I’m on
I did not take
The burden I carry
I did not make
 
This road of life
Has sunrise
But also sunset
The time when the sky is dark
And the road is wet
Soaked with tears
Of sorrow
And of pain
Waiting for the sun
To rise again
 
Cold
Bare
Hurting and alive
 
Give up
Give in
Shut down
Shut in
 
To run from the briars
The unknown
The faltering
 
To run from the chaos
The shouting
The breaking
 
That is not the life to live
The life to give
Instead I offer up my all
Bruised broken and aware
To rise restored, redeemed, alive.
To live this life, pain and all.