breathing

I realized today that I felt oxygen deprived. When was the last time I’ve taken a real breath, a full bodied intake with no burden on my soul or lungs, the kind small children take every day when they run outside after a long day at school. The kind of breath grown adults only start to taste after three days of vacation or an hour long yoga class. I think this is a year of rapid shallow breathing for me. Necessity tells me to make a place to lay down the burdens and cares which make breathing difficult. To make a routine of calm in the midst of chaos.

conclusions

One of the hardest things about ministry is there is no quantifiable way to measure “success” or failure. Well there’s the obvious personal failure aspect, as a moral failing. But in terms of those you’re serving. We have scripture which talks about how a leader in the church ought to lead, instruct his household, and live their life. But nothing which says: here’s what a job well done looks like. Because, how can you when you’re leading a group of people still living out their lives, full of victories and failures. I think about Christ whose very followers, disciples, failed him in those last hours. One who denied even knowing him, let alone defend the cause. Another who betrayed him for money. All who slept instead of praying. Yet, Christ stayed on course with the call God had on His life. If we were to measure the success of that call based upon the stance of His followers in that moment, we would be tempted to call Him a failure.
I find myself so ready to fall into a heap of rubbish in moments like that. To give up, call myself a failure and say what’s the use? In that moment, I’ve lost sight of my call. I’ve taken my eyes off the Creator and focused on the crowd. If Moses had done what I’m so tempted to do, he would never even have glimpsed the promised land. The measure of a leader’s worth is not based on the by product of their efforts, but their obediance to Christ. Always.

live this life

Lost
Alone
Aware and confused
 
The path I’m on
I did not take
The burden I carry
I did not make
 
This road of life
Has sunrise
But also sunset
The time when the sky is dark
And the road is wet
Soaked with tears
Of sorrow
And of pain
Waiting for the sun
To rise again
 
Cold
Bare
Hurting and alive
 
Give up
Give in
Shut down
Shut in
 
To run from the briars
The unknown
The faltering
 
To run from the chaos
The shouting
The breaking
 
That is not the life to live
The life to give
Instead I offer up my all
Bruised broken and aware
To rise restored, redeemed, alive.
To live this life, pain and all.

its easier to find contentment if you’re looking for it

I’m sitting outside ez lube, happily drinking a tall nonfat latte. I’m happy that the weather has cooled down. I’m excited for an extra full day with John, free days are rare these days. A day that is even spent in errands, car fixing and paying bills.

Thoughts along the wet highway

We’re driving home through Oregon countryside. Its the kind of dark and wet outside that I’ve come to learn is common for northwest winters. I don’t understand it, I mean I do, but I was confused at first with this lack of sky. I’d wake up each morning seemingly under an untouched canvas. Not a muted color of grey and blue, melded together by man’s vehicles and chemicals which burn the lungs. Not a grey overcast heaven, with sun hiding behind it’s clouded mask. And definitely no blue with patches of white. Just one pallid color stretching from East to west and North to South.
I had these thoughts to record and hopefully doing so won’t cause me nausea. This morning I awoke feeling incredible crappy. This new virus I attained through possibly multiple related sources or a complete stranger had taken residence in my head, nose and throat. While I was prepared for moderate misery, I was not prepared for nausea and dry heaving in the shower. I don’t want to try that again. So if I break of mid sentence, just imagine me hitting publish and sticking my head out the van window into the rain and trying to regain balance.
One of the things I’ve been dreaming about as we speed down this length of highway is my future. Both immediate and distant.
2009:this will be nuts. So much change and good things. I want to start out with a new diet. Well not new, just resumed. A diet at the new year? Lauren, how cliche can you get? I know I know. Its just that I’m tired of not fitting into my new jeans and what better time to start? Besides, I’ll be biking home so that will help.
I think 2009 is going to be a great year. I’m an optimist so I might be betting high, but I just have this feeling
I found myself thinking of other things in my future as well. Both are more dreams than reality, but dreams are usually more fun than reality. I was dreaming about having a home someday that has a studio. A studio for me to edit photos and videos. I’m salivating just thinking about it.
The other thing I was dreaming about I just decided not to share. Its a secret between me and my beloved for now.
CA here we come.

is it what it seems

We’re packing. Moving is insane. The hunt for the right place, the waiting to hear if you’re good enough, the leaving of your former home. I find it all very overwhelming. That’s to be expected I suppose for a girl who’s lived in one house her whole life. The closest I’ve come prior to married life is dorm moving. But when your parent’s house is close enough to do laundry at every weekend, I don’t really call it moving. It was more like having two rooms. Which, having two closets is a dream.
As I sorted and tossed and packed this afternoon, I discovered old photo albums. Which really, if I’m trying to pack, I should avoid packing photos until the very last minute because I’m sure to spend way too much time wandering down memory lane.
An entire book of people from my past. It was amusing to me to see people whom I almost didn’t say yes to “befriending” on social networking sites because I thought our friend ties in our former years were almost non existent. But no, there we are, grasping arms and smiling. And yes, you did come visit me in the dorms and spend the night. And oh yeah, we did kidnap her at some ungodly hour to only have the 24 hour Denny’s be closed. Wow, how quickly memories fade. Relationships fade too, only usually slower in transit.
I love to recall the crushes, the tears, the passion, the mis split bills at the Ruby’s that doesn’t exist any more. How vivid the feelings were, so historic in their grandeur. But really, a small speck on the radar. You can see it in our faces, the moments being lived, the emotions at their peak.
The pictures tell another story besides the vitality of my youth. They are true records of the moment caught on film. Casually posed, enlivened with the moment with no other purpose than to document life. Its changed, youthful photos of 2008 are wrought with facade.
Thank you to the digital age, my greatest companion destroyed the innocence of my youth. With digital cameras the norm, we retake every photo until every hair is in place, every smile at its best. We don’t have to wait for exposure at Thriftys, instant gratification to proclaim our beauty. And then what is the ultimate purpose of that photo? Its destination is the world wide web via myspace or facebook, to do its duty of proclaiming our excellence and social status. As I look at my albums I can find maybe 1-5 photos which I took of myself that are just of me. Today you can find at least two pages of photos of just me on the web.
I’m bringing back the photo album and you have to come over for dinner and look at it on my coffee table bitches.
Also, my husband just made up a brilliant and slightly disturbing song about underwear.

sitting on the ground on Western blvd

When I look up, I see a maze of legs and skirts and shoes. I’m patiently waiting for the show to start.
Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is waiting for the show to start. I can’t really point the finger because I find myself feeling the same way. We’re all in line, hoping, waiting, expecting.
The thing is that life keeps going whether you’re waiting or not. You may find that once you have that thing or status you thought you so desperately needed, you’re still waiting for yet the next thing.
And no damnit, I’m not talking about “live for the moment” because life is more than a moment. And its not any of those other cliche things which really just end up meaning “party because you think you’re still young shirking responsibility and never have any regrets, about anything”. That’s bull. If you don’t have any regrets, that means either a) you’re oblivious to any pain or hurt you’ve ever caused anyone else or b) you’re perfect. I’ll settle for accepting the first if I have to, but there’s no way I’m swallowing the second.
So life. I guess what I’m trying to say is, appreciate what you have, what you are. You may not have much, you may not be much, but it’s you and its the only you that you’ve got. Life will change, you will change, but don’t live for that. Because then the former you is gone, forever.
In some instances, the people you once had are gone. That is the most tragic I think.
That’s why I’m a little sad to move, a little afraid. What we had this first year is closing, the new page a blank one. With the new page comes new emotions, excitement, fear, hard work and in your words, a fresh start.
I’ve said it before, sometimes I say it again to remind myself: I love our life. Its our life. No matter what happens or what’s missing, we have our life. Jesus make me satisified, satiated, overflowing with the life I have.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll blog about Twilight

this was me two years ago, almost to the day.

I feel so confused
About when I will see you again
I feel the miss deep within
But will things again turn sour
As I wait for the darkening hour
Or will you ask me to be yours
And will we live and live strong
These questions tick slowly by
And the summer lengthens it’s sigh
I wait for you
Return home
And tell me what is to become
Of our love.

reminders are good things.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9)

warmth of my bed, makes mornings hard

How can young people keep their way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; do not let me stray from your commandments. I treasure your word in my heart, so that I may not sin against you.

I really really need to get back to the gym. Like really. Before the Holidays come and any remaining self control I have takes a trip.

Obsessed with Damien Rice lately, he soothes me.

The reason its so hard to get up every morning is that we spend every evening with Fable II.